Rants & Ravings

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Labels: humour

"The odds that one person is carrying a bomb on a plane are 500,000 to one. The odds that two people are each carrying a bomb on a plane are five billion to one. So to be safe, always carry a bomb with you when you fly."

Labels: humour

Labels: humour, music video

I have recently been invited to write an article on this Horticulture course which I attended a few months back in England. Sure the course was long (6 months) and man it was expensive $100,000 (look at all that zeroes) but thankfully my role in the office is quite redundant. Pretty much that of a rubber stamp. The lesser mortals under me can do all the work I do at a much lower cost. So anyway I took my lovely wife (who's a CEO of a large MNC, I won't name the company, but it rhymes with "bell") and my 6 year old kid (who's a genius, recently admitted to MIT to lecture) Yay go him.

Oh yeah, the article on plants. Erm, basically put seed in soil, water and put under sunlight.

Everything above is a satire. If you think that anything above is real, you need to probably get your head examined.

Labels: humour, satire

Copied from here [theage.com.au]):
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Labels: humour

1. "Remember - I lied to you the last time you voted for me."
2. "Warning: Politicians serve their biggest contributors first."
3. "Politicians - their #1 priority is sincerity - once they can fake that ..."
4. "#1 sign that a politician is lying - their lips are moving."
5. "Warning: If you think your choices suck, then it is YOUR responsibility to do something about it."
   

Labels: humour, Politics

Labels: humour

Labels: humour

Labels: humour, mas selamat

"Quimby was eventually killed by a disgruntled poet during an experiment conducted in the palace grounds to prove the disputed accuracy of the proverb "The pen is mightier than the sword," and in his memory it was amended to include the phrase, "only if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp." "

From Terry Pratchett's The Light Fantastic

Labels: humour

Labels: humour

Labels: fact or fiction?, humour

http://www.uncoached.com/2008/10/24/13-unintentionally-gay-soccer-positions/

Labels: humour

Labels: humour

http://anenglishmaninosaka.blogspot.com/2008/07/offensive-english-test.html

As the name suggests, it's offensive. Not overly offensive but still... not for the overly sensitive.

Labels: humour

Man's 'pants' password is changed

The bank apologised to Mr Jetley in a statement
A man who chose "Lloyds is pants" as his telephone banking password said he found it had been changed by a member of staff to "no it's not".
Steve Jetley, from Shrewsbury, said he chose the password after falling out with Lloyds TSB over insurance that came free with an account.
He said he was then banned from changing it back or to another password of "Barclays is better".
The bank apologised and said the staff member no longer worked there.
Mr Jetley said he first realised his security password had been changed when a call centre staff member told him his code word did not match with the one on the computer.
"I thought it was actually quite a funny response," he said.
I tried 'Barclays is better' and that didn't go down too well either
Steve Jetley
"But what really incensed me was when I was told I could not change it back to 'Lloyds is pants' because they said it was not appropriate.
"I asked if it was 'pants' they didn't like, and would 'Lloyds is rubbish' do? But they didn't think so.
"So I tried 'Barclays is better' and that didn't go down too well either.
"The rules seemed to change, and they told me it had to be one word, so I tried 'censorship', but they didn't like that, and then said it had to be no more than six letters long."
'Very disappointing'
Mr Jetley said he was still trying to find a suitable password which met the conditions.
He said his dispute with the bank started over some travel insurance, but that issue had been dealt with by managers independently.
A statement released by the bank said: "We would like to apologise to Mr Jetley.
"It is very disappointing that he felt the need to express his upset with our service in this way. Customers can have any password they choose and it is not our policy to allow staff to change the password without the customer's permission.
"The member of staff involved no longer works for Lloyds TSB."
Lloyds TSB stressed there was no security lapse in this case.
A spokesperson said: "On the majority of transactions advisors cannot read customers' passwords.
"In this case it was a business banking customer using a system where more than one person from a business can check their balance.
"In these cases an advisor can read the full password.
"But if such customers require more complex transactions, then full security procedures apply and advisors cannot read secure information."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/hereford/worcs/7585098.stm

Haha... oh those crazy Brits..

Labels: humour

http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/08/19/how-to-win-a-fight-against-twenty-children/

Labels: humour

Something funny for mid-week.. (Warning some rather foul language.. but it's all subtitled..)

Labels: humour

We had a national day observance ceremony/celebration at work today. Had the singing of the national anthem, taking of the pledge etc etc.. However the main event was changed due to the chiku fever. Originally supposed to go out and do stuff, but then was changed due to the outbreak of the chiku fever. So in it's place? We all went to watch a movie. Not a movie of our choice mind you. In fact it's a movie called "Mad About English". It's actually a documentary on China and the Chinese people's drive to learn how to speak English in view of the Olympics (which incidently opens today). The movie itself was ok I guess. It's not a movie that I would actually pay money to watch, much less go on a Friday and pay $8. An interesting point to note is that we weren't the only people in the cinema watching this show. There were about 4 other people there. Why would anyone, given a choice of any other movie currently in theatres, pay $8 to watch this documentary?

Anyway another amusing thing was how we made our way there. We hired about 3 tour buses and we all wore national day colors (E.g red and/or white). So all of us hopped on the bus, went to the cinema, got off the bus as one large group of easily 80 people and flooded the escalators of Isetan. We were like some really weird tour group who decided to watch a movie.

Labels: humour, quirky

Labels: humour